Sophalopalus: Cultural Learnings of Boys for Make Benefit of Clueless Girl

Lesson 1: Guys decide within the first 30 seconds of meeting a girl if he wants to bang her.

This surprises me and at the same time it doesn't surprise me. The part that surprises me is that every single guy is like that (except maybe the ones with a Jesus problem) and that they make these decisions on every girl they meet. In other words, this is not a function that can be turned off.

What also makes me wonder is how you guys can act cool and calm around us all the time, when in fact you are thinking about getting laid. I mean, there are guys I've met that I'm cool with and they have never, ever hinted at the notion of bleeping my whatever (or whatever it is that you think). So I've concluded that Lesson 1 is kind of creepy.

Lesson 2: If they could, guys prefer to have sex every single day. (And sometimes twice a day)

Duh. That's a no-brainer. But here's where girls should pay attention. If you hold out/ cut them off/ whatever no-sex punishment you choose, they will look elsewhere. In this lesson, you should note that this is where "playerism" lies. Even if a girl can agree to sex every other day, that's reason for a guy to play 2 girls so he can get laid every single day. Get that?

Discussion Points: Think about how this plays into a relationship. If the above lessons are true, then why would a guy agree to be exclusive with or even marry one girl? Are rules of a relationship made up entirely by females? And guys just agree and play along because they know it at least guarantees them a certain amount of sex? Yeah, it's a lot to think about!

Food Crazes: A Summary

Joe and I go through lots of food crazes. We like something, and then soon enough we really like it. Pizza is a house favorite, but some things come into our house and then we're eating it like there's no tomorrow. Here are some examples of some phases we've gone through.

The Burrito Phase.
This all started with the burrito degollado at El Rodeo. This was a breakthrough for Joe because he'd been afraid of beans since childhood. Ever since then, I can expect the burrito response 1 out of every 3 times I ask.

The Pineapple Phase.
Like a lot of people, we were intimidated by the pineapple. How do you cut those things anyway? Well, we figured it out and ate maybe 2 whole pineapples per week. Whenever we ran into people at the grocery store, they'd raise they're eyebrows at the pineapples in our cart. That lasted maybe all of the beginning of summer.

Italian Ice Phase.
Rita's Italian ice was an obsession for 2 whole summers. We probably stopped there once or twice every weekend. I love the custard, the thickest I've ever come across. I'm a big fan of fruity flavors, especially all the red colored ones. Joe was partial to the banana split sundae.

Peach Phase.
Right now, we're in the midst of a peach phase. Joe gets these peaches from a farm stand on his way from work and we can't seem to get enough. I think it's safe to say we're eating a dozen peaches a week. They're in season right now, so they're super delicious.

This Screw is Screwy

I always thought green or blue eyes with jet black hair looked cool. So that's why I'm getting color contacts. Green for me, please. Blue is so played out.

I'll also change back to blue-black hair too so I look super duper cool.

But in the meantime, I had the guy fix my glasses because my lens keeps popping out. I think the thread is stripped from the screw that keeps the thing together so it just keeps spinning without tightening. In french, the saying would be "la vis est folle", which literally translates to 'the screw is crazy'.

I Give Great...Gifts. What'd You Think I Was Gonna Say?

I like to think I’m a pretty good gift giver. I’m a good listener and I’m very observant, so I find myself taking lots of mental notes when I see friends and family. I prefer giving gifts than receiving them, and getting an appreciative thanks for thoughtfulness means more to me than getting something in return. This year will be an unusual year for giving gifts. Friends are getting married, there’s a big anniversary somewhere in there, and soon my sister is going to hatch another one. I’m thinking maybe if I get these ideas out on paper, it’ll spur some other ideas I’m looking for. So excuse me while I brainstorm…

Ben and Kelly: These 2 crazy lovebirds moved to Seattle for 2 years just for the adventure. They visited home often and friends always returned their visits. They may or may not move back this year, so we gifted them airline credits for their wedding. I’m hoping they use them.

2 other weddings are on deck for this fall. First, Joey and Jenny. Friends of the family. This is a mixed race wedding (Italian and Vietnamese), so I won’t be surprised if there’s like 400 people on the guest list. I have no clue what to get them. Even if they really do have 400 guests, I want them to remember my gift. (Yeah, I’m a little vain like that.) The problem is that I don’t know them that well. I hate to just pick something from the registry but I think that’s what’s going to happen. Ideas?

Then there’s Josh and Barbie. This one is a tad tricky. The couple didn’t really register for anything that struck me as being personal. Plus, Joe’s in the wedding so I think he has other plans to go in on a gift from the other groomsmen. If this actually happens, and I also gift Barbie at the shower, I don’t feel obligated to get anything big but I don’t want to come empty handed either. Hmm…

By the way, I’m gifting Barbie some stuff to pack on the honeymoon. I figured most people will get couples gifts or gifts for the home. I figured it would be nice to get her something just for her. So I got some mood candles, perfume, and I’ll throw in some alluring lingerie in there too. Wait, did I say ‘just for her’? Maybe this is a couples gift after all.

Gram and Grandpop Metzger’s 60th anniversary: I knew beforehand from Aunt Jane that Gram insisted on no gifts. I figured that at their age, there’s nothing they need now and there’s really nothing they need for the future. So I decided to take them back to the past. I looked up popular candies from the 40’s and picked up a nostalgic card/ pamphlet that listed current events, retail prices, old ads from the year they got married. Sure enough, the gift did what I intended. Gram remembered going to the penny candy store for Mary Janes and laughed at the licorice pipes. Everyone marveled at the price of cars and rent back in 1947.

Housewarming: I went to Ellicott City to see Steve, who I haven't seen in maybe 6 years. He just bought a townhouse with his boyfriend. I don't know him that well either, but I was lucky to have been by a book sale that same day and picked up a feng shui book for supercheap and that was his gift. Anway, I've got another housewarming on deck for Aaron and Alisha, whenever they finally settle on their new house and move in. I haven't a clue what to get them either. Ideas? They're the retro 50's kitschy type, so I'm looking at maybe some wall art or something to go along with another book I picked up at the book sale (a lounge lizard type journal thingy).

Sigh. Stuff like this literally clutters my brain for days until I can think of something good to give to someone. Gift giving sometimes becomes a passion and I get upset when I can't churn out good ideas. Don't even get me started on Christmas. I'm sure that'll be a separate issue when the season comes nearer.

2007-2008 Fantasy Soccer

Fuck! I missed the first 3 weeks of Premier League. Now my competitive spirit is slightly ruined. I hastily threw together my team, as much as I could remember from last season, and hope that I can catch up with the rest of the world with points. I did make some worthy trades though. Suck on this...

Goalkeepers: Van der Sar, Jaaskalainen
Defenders: Dunne, Neville, Ferdinand R, Ferdinand A, Carragher
Midfield: Lampard, Butt, Fabregas, Reo-Coker, Hamann
Strikers: Van Persie, Campbell, Agbonlahor

Don't ask me how I figured out how to afford Frank Lampard. I think I started with him and worked my way down. And I don't remember Fabregas and Van Persie being that expensive before. Doesn't matter, I'm ready to play!

FA Premier League

Fig Einstein

Me: I should probably eat these figs. You want one?
Joe: Yeah, I'll try one.
-----
Joe: You know what would be good? If these had some kind of cookie thing with it.
Me: Like a soft cookie with fig inside.
Joe: That would be real good. That's such a good idea, I'd call them Fig Einsteins.

(laughs)

Joe: You think I'd get sued by the Fig Newton people? I mean, it's a totally different scientist!
Me: They aren't named after the scientist.
Joe: So then what's the problem!?!

The Hunt is On

So we decided to start looking for a house. We've been hesitant until now because we really like our apartment and frankly, we didn't have enough for a decent down payment. But now we're ready to start a serious and tedious search.

We saw 2 houses today to at least see what we like and what we don't like. We probably won't buy either house, but at least we know what we're working with now. Our tastes are so precise, so we feel like we're in for a long search.

Wish us luck.

Notes on the Last Harry Potter Book (Spoiler Alert!)

Before reading, here were my predictions for the 2 main characters that would die:
1. Voldemort. If he didn't die, the books should go on. No point in stopping.
2. The last book has always been about whether Harry lives or dies. So Harry was my top choice.
OR
Snape: it would totally explain whether he's a good guy or a bad guy. And since he killed Dumbledore when he was so trusted, there would be some 'splaining to do
OR
Ginny: if the only power that Harry has that Voldemort doesn't have is love, then does Ginny make the ultimate sacrifice to vanquish Harry's enemy?

The following is a list of reactions during and after I read the last Harry Potter:

-First and foremost, the revelation of Snape was the best part of all the books. I love how his story was revealed after all the debating in the previous books. It was done so so well. I think his love for Lily really made his death (or the reason for his life) so poignant. I also think his doe patronus is so sad. Best part ever!

-I'm ticked off they never explain the veil. It shows up, Sirius falls through it, and that's it?? No explanation?!

-The Battle at Hogwarts reminded me of the Battle at Helms Deep from Lord of the Rings. It was so fast paced, I was frantically trying to read faster.

-The last chapter was lame. Why did she write the end like that? It only made me want to know what happened to everyone. Like what happened to Luna and her dad, Kreacher, Cho Chang? How does George manage without Fred?

-Wouldn't it have made sense to tell Neville that he could have been The Chosen One? It would have steeled his determination and made more sense how he all the sudden got up enough courage. And does anyone else think he deserved to kill Bellatrix?

-Could someone please tell me how the Elder Wand thing works? I'm confused.

-Giving Draco short term ownership of the elder wand was better than I expected for his character. I was afraid he was just a school bully.

-Dobby's burial was a little over-dramatic.

Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (3D)

I saw Harry Potter in IMAX 3D over the weekend. Trying to squeeze the last bit of enjoyment out of my vacation before heading back to the grind. I have just finished the book before heading to the beach, so I had automatic comparison mode on while watching the movie.

You know how movies are never as good as the book? This is so true in the case of Harry Potter. There are so many details Rowling writes that get left out of the plot. So it may feel like skimming if you've read the book beforehand. But other than that, as always, it's a fun ride and you really root for the good guys here. You'll really like this movie, in 3D or not.

4 eggrolls out of 5

Staring is Not Polite

I don't know about you, but I still get stares in small town establishments. Take for instance, today we stopped for a banana split in Dover. The second we pulled into the parking lot, I saw old people staring out the windows at our car and watch us walk all the way in.

Then after ordering, I got stares as we found a seat to enjoy our frozen treat. I sat facing away from the old geezers but asked Joe if they were still staring. He said they kept looking over in our direction.

I reckon they must have been having flashbacks when they saw someone like me in their itty bitty ice cream shop. They must not get people like me in their parts too often.

Beach Reading List

Originally, I was going to take Harry Potters 5 and 6 with me to the beach. But Joe threw a wrench in the plan when he ordered me a novel from Amazon. So I'm reading Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix now and leaving The Half-Blood Prince for the beach.

I never read except for when I'm at the beach and I try to really cram it in. So aside from Harry Potter, I'm taking The Nasty Bits by Tony Bourdain and Extremely Close and Incredibly Loud by Jonathan Safran Foer. I really liked Everything is Illuminated (the movie, I never read the book) so I wanted to dabble in something else from Foer.

Now that I've started, I want to get through The Order of the Phoenix as quickly as possible so I can catch up to what's going on and not get spoiled by other people's commentary on the upcoming, and last, book in the series. Plus, the movie's out now and I want to see it. But not before I read the dang thing- it's 800 and some pages long!

My Most Brilliant Idea to Date

Yesterday, Joe and I went to Hoss's for lunch. During the middle of our meal the hostess was pulling a high chair to the booth right next us, readying a table for a family of four. But the father asked whether they could sit at a table further away so it would be easier to maneuver the high chair. And then I thought "Yeah, take your kids to the kids section! I don't want hear your baby cry!"

Then I realized I stumbled upon the greatest idea I've had to date. Now that Pennsylvania is slowly banning smoking in public areas, I thought restaurants should convert those smoking sections into kid sections. So people like me can enjoy their meal in peace. Hey, I'm not being mean and selfish here. Think of all those new couples out on a date and then think of how their date is ruined when a family of 6 is seated in their vicinity. I know you can see my point here, don't deny it.

But I also have to call out the poorly trained restaurant staff who don't recognize a date when they see one and not-so-smartly seat a huge party with 7 kids next to them. Look, I know your job is to evenly distribute customers among the waitresses and make sure people get seated promptly. But your job is also to make the experience enjoyable, so pay attention to what's going on and stop putting the loudmouths near my table!

If You Could Go Back and Change One Thing What Would It Be?

I answered this question in a MySpace Survey that I posted as a bulletin. My response was "I'd try to be friendlier". I thought a bit more about this and figured I'd elaborate on that.

I'd say my fatal flaw is that I start out hating people at first and then discover reasons to like them. Rather than the other way around like most other people. They start out giving you the benefit of a doubt and figure you're a nice person and then find your flaws and start disliking you as a result.

I don't really see this as a good idea at all. Why meet someone and assume they're a good person when they could be serial killer? I'd rather assume the worse and then be relieved with it's not true. Sure, you have less friends that way but who cares. I know for a fact I don't have psychos in my life. And frankly, I like it that way.

New Links

I've added 2 new links.

Posh Girl Vintage- I've been looking for a cute party dress for an outdoor wedding for the past few weeks. I did finally find one at Checkered Past for $12!!! It's a cute kicky yellow thing that looks Jackie-esque. It's sort of too bad, because I found this website that has the cutest vintage stuff I've seen. Yeah, it's a little expensive and the store is in California. But they pick good quality stuff and make repairs before they sell.

Things I've Bought That I Love- The actress/writer that plays Kelly on The Office has her own blog. She's fucking hilarious and actually does talk just like Kelly. You must check it out.

I Heart Smallville

If you love TV at all, you have to rent Season 1 of Smallville. It's the teenage Superman story before the Metropolis days. This show is so many things all wrapped into one.

As a teen drama, Clark Kent is a teenager in high school with a crush on a cute girl. He's super naive and awkward and it's totally great. Probably better than the other high school dramas out there. As a comic book/ superhero show, it's awesome in the way I hear that Heroes is awesome. It's real people with real problems and real gifts. Rather than looking at it as mutants with super powers.

Being only Season 1, it doesn't delve into major story arcs. The episodes don't have a plot thread, so you can pretty much watch them out of order. The reviews call this season the "Freak of the Week" season, as every episode pretty much introduces a new character that wreaks havoc on the small town of Smallville and resolves everything by the end. If you watch the whole thing in order, it starts out pretty good but by the "Nicodemus" episode, it's totally awesome.

Nicodemus is probably the best episode of the season. The Jonathan-Kent-crazy-driving scene is the most hilarious thing ever shown on the WB channel and there's a hot Lana Lang scene for the boys.

By the way, I should also note that all the major characters are pretty easy on the eyes. If you don't already have a thing for Superman-types (And who doesn't?), Lex Luthor is pretty smoldering. I mean who doesn't fall for the bad boy at times? Lana Lang is pretty much a babe. The Kents are a handsome couple. Whitney is the cute dumb jock. Do I need to keep going? I'm just saying. It makes this show easier and easier to watch.

Please please please, add this to your Netflix today! You won't regret it.

My Mom Invented Iced Coffee

Mother's Day. My mom tells us how she's been drinking iced coffees before anyone else has. How everyone had been thinking she was crazy for drinking cold coffee all along, and now they're paying $4 for one at Starbucks. So the joke is that my mom invented iced coffee.

The Best Summertime Treat

I love Maryland blue crabs in the summertime. Nothing like a mallet, a bib, and an ice cold beverage with a pile of steamed crabs.

My High Fiber Challenge

So, I've been on an exercise kick since the beginning of the year and I have a target. I'm still a little off my target, but I seem to have hit a plateau. Nothing's changed much in the last 3 or 4 months, so I figure that I have to start making changes to my diet.

First I decided not to drink all my calories. Which means I had to cut back on soda and iced tea. That started out being a pain in the ass but now I'm used to drinking water. I even have Propel packet mixes to help trick me into drinking more water.

Now, I decided to add more fiber to my diet. This has become a hot topic at home. Joe and I are constantly looking at the nutrition values in our food items and monitoring my bathroom activity. At this point, I'm adding 2 new food items to my meals that are high fiber:

- Roman Meal bread- the whole wheat type. 5 grams per slice.
- Dried Turkish figs- 6 grams for 2 pieces. They taste like Fig Newtons except not so doughy. Mission figs are disappointingly only 2 grams per serving.

So in just a slice of toast and 2 figs, I can get 11 grams out of the recommended 25 grams per day.

Also, I'm going to add a link to Calorie King which is a handy website to look up nutrition values of restaurant and fast food items. What's really nice, is that they also post exercise recommendations that offset the food you eat. It's a real eye-opener. For example, I looked up one of the fizzy malt liquor beverages I was sipping and discovered there was 225 calories in one bottle. That means I need to spend more than 20 minutes running on the treadmill to work off that beverage alone. I was shocked.

Random Shite #11

You know what's weird? Fan fiction. It's a borderline obsessive activity, don't you think? Who has time to think of new episodes or situations in their head beyond what's available on TV? But there's this huge population of boys (and girls) in their basements writing about new stuff going on with Jack Bauer after the show is over. It's just too much.

I'm on the East Coast. And it's humid. I call it "too-hot-for-pants" weather. So as you might guess, I've got no pants on.

English Premier season is over and I ended up ranked 348,254th out of 1,276,164. So I reached my goals of making the top half and beating Jules. I'm pretty psyched about it.

I'm listening to Tim Armstrong's new album and I've this song totally stuck in my head..."let's get movin' into action!!" I love it.

Can I Have the Definition Please?

I am currently watching the Scripps National Spelling Bee. I kinda get excited this time of year when there's news about middle schoolers spelling words the size of skyscrapers. I tend to search for spelling quizzes online this time of year too.

I was a speller in middle school. I have gone to Harrisburg to spell and even won one bee locally. Spelling bees have changed since my day. I notice they throw in lots of medical terms which are total hell to spell. You totally have to be into linguistics and foreign languages to decode English vocabulary.

I'm excited though, I'm going to test myself and see if I can spell the words before it shows up on the screen and see if I'm as smart as I think I am.